She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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