My liver just broke up with me...
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Hippo gnu deer
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He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
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