he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
