he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
