nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
The best revenge is premature balding
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
