I wish my penis had an off switch
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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