I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
