Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
