I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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