I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I need a hoe opinion
go on
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
