I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
please come you make the beer taste better
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
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