there's paper in my vomit.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I AM VODKA MAN
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
