How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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