My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Randomize
