Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
