I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
