Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
