Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
These tits shall not be calmed
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
