life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
