I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
