Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
