i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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