You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
false alarm, still single
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
