Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
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My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
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He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.