so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
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how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
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chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water