Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
