Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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