another moral hangover. fuck.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
