i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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