I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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