Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I've blown a few things in my day
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.