last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
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i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
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4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.