The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.