Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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