i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
