he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Please don't give away my fajitas
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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