508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
