The best revenge is premature balding
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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