i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
