I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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