ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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