i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
