Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Oh god it's open bar.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
