The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
