just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
