the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
