His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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