Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
