i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
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After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
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I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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