I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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