There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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