I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
