I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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