Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
