drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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