do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
