Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
