Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
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I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
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Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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