drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
