I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
